Piratical Pastimes
by Omega Overlord
Summary: Flora and Captain Rhubarb have always had a thing for each other, but it never really took off. Until now that is.


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters of Artix Entertainment portrayed within.

Flora, rouge and self-proclaimed nature goddess, stared up at the moon from her pumpkin patch in Amityvale. It was nights like this one where she felt the most alive. A full moon, the smell of freshly tilled soil, and silence for miles. And the best part, watching her plants slowly twine their way towards her presence, like they could see her.

She slowly stroked the vine that wound its way up her left leg, "I know, you ARE doing better this year. Sooner or later you'll have the biggest pumpkin in the yard."

Mogloween was just around the corner, and every year for the past six years she had dominated the farmer's show with her prize pumpkins. Perhaps it was cheating because she wore the pumpkin lord armor, but then, as a rouge she had never really fought fair to begin with. She laughed to herself as she recalled her first meeting with one of the Dark Wolf bandits. The thug had demanded her life or her gold. She had kicked him between the legs and made off with HIS gold before his two friends could do anything. It was rather pathetic really, she was much too fast for most of the people that sought to ply their adventuring ways in a seedier fashion. The last band had even hired a mage, a rather poor one but still and she had taken each one out with a single thorn before they could make a move.

She smiled, shook her head, and leaned back against the tree behind her, it really didn't matter. So long as they kept coming, her purse stayed full.

She heard a light cooing from most of her plants, and responded, "Of course I know that it's time for me to feed you. That's why I was waiting out here."

She stood and heard her pumpkins give a slight sigh of loss as their vines were forced to let go. Her storage shed was just on the other side of the patch so she wouldn't be gone for very long. She slowly meandered her way to the shed, stepping carefully so as not to injure any of her prime specimens. She slowly swung the door open.

She felt her eyes widen in astonishment at the sight waiting for her. A giant seed spitter was thoroughly entrenched in every sack of her special plant food. She had to get the stuff via a very expensive connection in Osprey Cove.

The giant plant spoke, "Ah, more plant food. Good, come closer, I can't eat you from over there."

She scowled, "Really? Your still hungry after devouring all the food that I kept specially for MY pumpkins?"

She lifted her right hand and a vine whipped off of her armor and latched onto the giant seed spitter. The plant then withered and died inside of five seconds.

She batted aside the withered husk, which turned to dust at a single strike, "Stupid, greedy seed spitter." She then examined the remains of her generous store of plant food. There was enough to feed them this week, but she would need to re-stock before next week. That meant a run to Osprey Cove, and she had no quick way to get there on her own. Unless...

Jake was left with his mouth hanging open as Teresa slammed the door on her way out. Well, his mouth hanging open and his ears ringing. His wife seemed to get more irrational by the day. And after watching Zhoom roaming around with Lillith hanging off of him, smiling and laughing like the little girl she was at heart, things just seemed to get worse by the hour. Artix and Vayle, Galanoth and Aisha, now Zhoom and Lillith, every couple that formed up around him seemed to be better and better with each passing day. Yet HIS marriage deteriorated every time. WHY? Was this some kind of twisted karmic retribution? His wife had even accused him of paying more attention to setting people up with each other than on her. There was a knock on his door and he answered it, fully expecting someone other than Teresa.

He spoke, "Yes?"

One of his friends, Flora, was standing on the steps, "Hello Jake, what's wrong? You look terrible."

He flicked his helm down over his face and let it ignite to cover his features, part of the reason he had taken it off of Drakonnan's burning corpse after kicking his can, "Oh, nothing, just not sleeping."

Flora gave him a bemused look, "I thought Death Knights didn't need to sleep."

He didn't deign to respond, "What do you want?"

Flora gave him an innocent shrug, "I was wondering if I could persuade Bruno to give me a ride to Osprey Cove. I've run out of plant food and my pumpkins need it for next week."

He felt unusually suspicious, "I thought you just got a new shipment in two weeks ago. You always stockpile for Mogloween."

Flora blushed, "Well, I do. But a certain seed spitter couldn't seem to stop from helping itself to my plant food."

He sighed, "Fine. I'll call him." And he whistled, one high note followed by two low notes.

Bruno seemed to appear out of nowhere and landed behind Flora, "Yes?"

He relayed Flora's request, "Flora here is wondering if you would be willing to give her a short ride to Osprey Cove."

The giant dragon nodded his head and lowered his tail to allow Flora a way on.

Bruno spoke to him in draconic, "Another argument?"

He responded in the same tougue, "Yes, you know by now how that played out."

His dragon gave him a long and wan look before taking off in the direction of Osprey Cove. The meaning behind the look was not lost on him. His dragon was concerned, but too proud or respectful to say it out loud. Knowing Bruno, it was probably the former. But what was he supposed to do? Sure there were options for this kind of thing, but did he really need to go to such lengths? He sat down on the front steps, longing all of a sudden for someone who neither needed something from him, nor wanted him to change his entire lifestyle. He found himself missing his old friend Louise, she had never done either of those things, then again, she had never been married to him for four years either. Come to think of it, had she even been around when both he and Teresa had been there?

He hung his head, "Why do I even bother sometimes?"

In the sky:

Flora waited for a good long while Bruno flew up before even thinking of asking the dragon what him and Jake were talking about. It sounded like Jake was having issues with his wife, but why would that be?

She started to ask, "So..."

Bruno interrupted, "No, you may not ask what we were discussing. That is between dragon and dragon rider, no others."

She persisted, in her most persuasive tone, "But, it sounded like he was in serious trouble with Teresa. What happened? Did he cheat on her?"

Bruno's head whipped around to glare at her so fast it must have hurt, "Never."

She shrugged helplessly, "Well, I don't know what to think. Throw me a bone here."

Bruno turned his head forward and seemed to be ignoring her.

She asked, "Was, she cheating on him?"

Bruno didn't say anything, but the corners of his mouth turned up and he growled slightly.

She pressed, "So, is that right?"

The dragon again, refused to reply.

She shrugged again and leaned back against Bruno's neck. It was still a long way to Osprey Cove, even by air.

Osprey Cove: harbor

Rhubarb, leader of the pirates and Captain of the Red Betty, groaned in exasperation as his crew hauled the mostly ruined haul of booty from the last ninja ship that they had stormed. Recently, the ninjas had been becoming almost suicidal with their efforts to protect their cargo. Like blowing up the ship and allowing all of the valuables to either scatter far and wide, or sink directly to the bottom. Of late, the water breathing potions that Jake had flooded the sea with had been more useful than he had suspected at the time. He would have to go and say that to Jake's face at some point or other. But he couldn't what with the poor hauls they had been getting. Business was suffering, and that was something that, as leader, he could not ignore.

He muttered to himself, "At least I take a personal role in what goes on with my men, unlike that fool Thyton."

A voice from behind him spoke, "What was that bout Thyton?"

He turned around, dark red hair, smelled of cinnamon, Jake's wife Teresa.

He replied, "Nothing. Can I help you with something lass?"

The mage crossed her arms and scowled, "I'm looking for the merchant. His shop is closed, and I always come here whenever I need something."

He thought for a moment, "What be it that you need?"

Teresa kept scowling, "Fire-proof stationary."

He glanced back at the waterlogged mess behind him, "Unless it also be waterproof then we got nothing for you."

The fire mage staked away, muttering a string of obscenities that would have made the late Captain Blackberry blush. Hard to hear it coming from a woman's mouth.

He watched Teresa leave, slightly confused, "What's got her all up in a tizzy? She's acting like someone slapped her on the ass when she didn't want to be."

A different voice, still female, came from his right, "A question that seems to be concerning quite a few people lately."

He turned to the voice and warmly greeted one of his best customers, "Flora, welcome back. The usual I expect?"

The woman nodded, "You know me well enough by now. But from the sound of things you don't have the ingredients."

A scowl crossed his face, "Aye, the ninjas don't seem to be taking their losses so kindly anymore. They'd rather blast their ships into splinters rather than let us come aboard and take the goods."

Flora gave him a slight smile, "You need some help?"

He laughed, "Only if you're offering."

Flora laughed it return, "Oh, I don't think I have much choice this time. My pumpkins won't last for more than a week without me."

He repeated a personal joke, "Like I told you several times, move here. Then you wouldn't have to run back and forth so much."

Flora gave the response she always did, "Rhubarb, are you hitting on me?"

' He started to laugh more in response. He had never been secretive about his attraction to the former rouge. Indeed, she was one of the few women that held his utmost respect. Mostly because upon their first meeting she had picked his pockets without him even noticing until he saw one of his rings around her fingers. That took some skill, and he respected, and admired such skill in a woman.

Flora smiled, "So, when is the next ship heading out?"

He opened his mouth to answer, "Well..."

A man down on the docks shouted, "Captain! Ship's all ready to go!"

He finished, "...that would be right now." He offered his arm, "Shall we?"

Flora took the offered arm, "My, so gallant. You should do this all of the time."

He led Flora to the ramp leading onto the Red Betty, "I think I just might. Reason enough to move yet?"

Flora smiled, like it was a game, "Let's see, I wouldn't have to hustle back and forth for the ingredients for my special plant food, and you would be the perfect gentleman." Flora gave him a playful shove, "Not quite yet. But this is closer than you've been in a while."

Flora wandered off in the direction of the bow and he just stood there laughing to himself. What was he going to have to do? Play out the classic, save the princess routine? That would never happen. If solely for the reason that Flora could find her way out of a cell by picking the lock with a splinter of wood, a single hair, or by seducing the guard.

One of his newer men walked up to him, "Captain, are we really letting the landlubber on the ship?"

He stopped laughing and gave the pirate a serious look, "If you didn't know, that "landlubber" has fought for us pirates more than you could in your lifetime. There are only two people on Lore that have done more damage to the ninjas, Jake, and the lich, Lillith. So I would do the smart thing and keep your stupid comments to yourself before I throw you overboard with an anchor tied to your feet."

As he watched the young pirate walk away he unconsciously slapped at the vine that had twined its way across the deck from where Flora was at the bow. The vine had been attempting to pick his pocket, much like the first time Flora had come to Osprey Cove. It was a game she was constantly playing with him, but as such he knew what to look for and listen for. She kept him on his toes though, another reason he liked her.

Flora felt the sharp slap that Rhubarb gave the vine she had trailed across the deck. She could never seem to catch him unawares anymore, which made it all the more fun to try. she had seriously been contemplating taking Rhubarb up on his offer for quite some time now, but her playful side would not let her when there was so much more fun to be had with the chase. She was deliberately being coy, and Rhubarb knew it. But as she had said, when he impressed her enough, she would stop the game. But she did hope he would hurry it up, just watching him standing at the helm, the wind blowing through his hair, looking oh so noble, was enough in and of itself to almost make her drop the game right then and there. But no, she would be patient. she was not going to be an easy mark. Rhubarb was going to have to work for his prize. After that though, well, she had a couple of things in mind.

Rhubarb stared off at the horizon. This, being the Captain of a ship, and sailing the great sea. This was the only way to live. Why so many of the heros of Lore had fought for the ninjas confounded him to this day. How could you not fall in love with the smell, the gentle spray of the ocean on your face as the ship crested the smaller waves. He took one hand off of the helm and again slapped at a vine that was crawling up the side of his leg. At the bow Flora turned to him and gave him a playful wink, one that he responded to with a roguish grin.

He spoke, as an aside to his first mate, "You want my advice laddie?"

The first mate sounded confused, "Captain?"

He continued, "If you ever find a woman that challenges you, then she's the one for you. None of that fairy-tale stuff. Understand?"

He first mate hesitantly replied, "Ah, aye Captain."

He changed the topic, "So, where do our scouts tell us there is a ship this time?"

The first mate fumbled with a chart, "Ah, thirty degrees starboard Captain..." After he had done so the first mate went on, "... and we should be at the intercept point in about twenty minutes."

He nodded in approval, "Good, then get the cabin boy to fetch me a mug of rum if you would." He gestured towards the bow where Flora was still standing, "And a mug for the lady while he's at it."

The pirate saluted, "Aye, Captain."

He shook his head as the first mate walked away, "That one really must have been in a royal navy somewhere."

Bow of the Red Betty: 19 minutes later

Flora squinted into the glare the sun was throwing off of the water. She thought she could just make out the outline of one of the ninja ships closing fast from up ahead, but it was hard to tell what with the ninjas and all of the deceptions that they used obsessively. But if Rhubarb had sailed the ship here, then he probably had a very good reason for it.

She swirled the remains of the mug of rum that Rhubarb had sent with the cabin boy before downing the rest in one gulp. She had to be careful when she drank, Rhubarb was a burly man and she had nothing on what he could drink in one sitting while still remaining sober.

She heard Rhubarb coming up behind her and spoke, "So, do you have a plan yet?"

Rhubarb laughed, "Well, brute force always seems to work well. For getting aboard anyway. Afterwards is what we've been having issues with lately. Damn ninjas blowing their own ships up to keep us from the treasure."

She thought for a moment, "Just get me aboard and I'll take care of that problem."

Rhubarb gave her an amused look, "Oh? Some brilliant plan that I'll have to wait to see I expect?"

She smiled at him, "Of course. But you won't be disappointed."

Rhubarb smirked, "Fair enough." He hollered at the crew, "Alright ye scurvy dogs! Man the guns! It be time we turned our fortunes around!"

She watched as the crew of the Red Betty fired their first salvo upon the ninja ship. As experienced gunners, the pirates made every shot count, most either hit the mast or cannon bays on the ninja ship, with only one or two stray cannon rounds going through the sail or into the water. Rhubarb himself tossed the first grappling line over onto the the rail of the ninja ship.

Rhubarb stuck out his hand to her, "Care to join me?"

She grabbed his hand and used her free hand to hold the rope, "It would be my pleasure."

Rhubarb kicked off and swung across the short expanse of water between the two ships, landed them both square in the middle of the ninja ship's deck, and immediately started dueling with four different ninjas. She drew her High Hallowed Dagger and began to defend herself.

Rhubarb shouted over the sound of crashing steel, "Now would be a good time to do whatever it is you're going to do!"

She struggled to fend off the shadow jodan that had made a beeline for her the instant she had set foot on the deck, "Well, get this guy off of me."

There was a small explosion and the shadow jodan dropped to the deck, bladed whip falling from lifeless hands.

Rhubarb holstered his pistol and went back to his four opponents, "There, now get to whatever you had in mind before the ship blows up with us on it!"

Out of the corner of his eye he watched Flora drop to one knee and spread her hands across the deck. Based on the screams of rage and vines erupting from the wooden planks, he figured that the fight was over. One of the shadowblade masters though, as a last act of defiance, pulled out a shuriken and threw it before the vines completely immobilized him. The shruiken was on a straight line path for Flora, whose hands were stuck to the deck and was immobilized herself. He pulled out his pistol, and fired the last shot he had.

Flora saw the ninja ten feet from her throw a shuriken before being completely trapped by her vines, and ninjas had dead-eyed aim with those things. She would be lucky if it only clipped her neck, which would still kill her. She saw Rhubarb draw his pistol and fire, there was a very loud ricochet sound as Rhubarb shot the shuriken out of the air.

Rhubarb holstered his pistol, "Well, I think that about wraps that up. Come on mates, time to take what we came here to take, which would be everything not nailed down."

Any fatigue that the pirates might have felt from the brief battle was not apparent in the speed that they rushed into the cargo hold. Rhubarb though, stayed on the deck and seemed to take pleasure in the hateful glares that the captive ninjas were throwing both him, and every other pirate. In what seemed like minutes the pirates had made off with absolutely everything that they could. Indeed, everything that wasn't nailed down. More specifically, everything that wasn't nailed down and could be pried free with a good strong crowbar.

When every pirate except Rhubarb was off of the ship the pirate Captain walked over to her and offered her a hand, "I think we should be making our exit right about now. Don't you think?"

She released her hold on the ninjas and sprinted after Rhubarb to the railing that separated the two ships, "I think that sounds like an excellent idea."

Rhubarb swung them both back across the gab while the pirates on the Red Betty hurled crude insults at the ninjas that were just starting to break free from the dying vines that she had used. Several ninjas seemed so enraged that they tried to jump the distance separating the ships, but they were shot out of the air.

Rhubarb laughed, "Well, that was the best raid we've had this season! If I had known that you would be..."

She cut him off by dragging his head down and locking lips with him. Something she had been wanting to do for the past several months

When she finally let the both of them come up for air, Rhubarb was giving her a sly smile, "I'm guessing that I finally impressed you enough to take me up on my offer?"

She shook her head, "No, you did that a long time ago." And she dragged him down again.

Rhubarb broke away, "Oh yeah? Then why did you take so long to make up your damn mind."

She smirked, "I needed to make it somewhat of a challenge for you."

Rhubarb chuckled, "Well, you did."

She smiled, then took notice of the rest of the crew, who were all staring, and snickering.

She pulled Rhubarb's head down again and whispered in his ear, "I'm going to do something to make them all jealous, play along."

Rhubarb whispered back, "Sounds very naughty, I'm interested."

She kissed Rhubarb again, then started to act like she was getting REALLY into it. At the same time, she willed most of the vines that made up her armor to fall away.

After the snickering stopped she pushed Rhubarb's face up briefly, and looked at the crew, "You can look, but you can't touch."

Rhubarb played along, "And if you do..." He drew his finger across his throat in the classic execution symbol. While the crew was stunned Rhubarb hollered, "Back to work!"

She set her armor right as the crew jumped back into action like she had pricked them all with thorns, "Well, that was fun."

Rhubarb smirked, "Sure was, now I have to get to the helm though."

She smiled and started to walk back to the bow, "Oh, I understand, but don't think I'm done with you."

When she was about three feet away Rhubarb shouted, "Flora, you missing something?"

She turned around to look back at Rhubarb. The pirate Captain was twirling a green and orange, glowing dagger between his fingers. Out of reflex she felt for the dagger that she kept on her hip, gone.

She was astonished, "When did you..."

Rhubarb smirked and tossed the dagger into the deck at her feet, "When you dragged me down the second time. I thought that the perfect opportunity."

She shook her head but could not help smiling, "Oh, you, you'll pay for that."

Rhubarb laughed and walked back towards the helm, "Looking forward to it."

She laughed and sat against the mast, satisfied that she had finally got her man.


End file.
